it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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