Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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