I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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