You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
