This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
