The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
