I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
