my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
