every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
