he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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