he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
