Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Randomize
