I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dignity is for republicans.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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