Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
