if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think I have vodka in my lungs
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
