In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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