just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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