i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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