First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My bed smells like the plague
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