You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
