you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
