I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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