I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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