just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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