I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
