I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was a blind-side dick pic.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
