I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
