Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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