apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Someone came in the potted fern
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
