mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
