I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
