This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
