just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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