she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
