Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
