I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
