Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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