theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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