Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
