I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
