Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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