Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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