I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
