i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
