You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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