You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
