im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
