I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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