I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
