Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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