hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
