Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
