Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
