I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
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Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
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I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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