every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
