I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
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Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
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