I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
