Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
