Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
be right there i have to get my cape
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
