and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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