State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
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