woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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