I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
